Ok, it’s time to cut the crap. If you know me, follow me on social media, or have read some of the entries in this blog, then you’ll know what I’m about.
For the past month or so I’ve been somewhat off-kilter. I had an operation (I’m OK) and during my ongoing recovery, I fell off the positivity wagon. It’s my own fault and I’m clambering aboard again, but it’s been tough. I had WAY too much time on my hands – time in which I was forced to rest, and lost any sense of motion and productivity I had going on. For someone who’s default setting is ‘full pelt’ it was an adjustment I didn’t take to awfully well.
Unfortunately, when I’m not pouring every ounce of my energy into following my dreams and making things happen, I find it very easy to lose my focus and step out of alignment with those things, and what I found myself starting to do was the one thing I don’t accept – making excuses. I was making them left, right and centre.
“I’ll sort that when I’m back at work”
“When I’m back to normal I’ll….”
“There’s no point even trying until…”
That’s right, I wasn’t putting the effort in, which makes me a hypocrite. How can I expect it in return if I’m not willing to put it in myself?
If you read my last post, I was hardly sweetness and light. I was full of bitterness, blame and bad attitude. I’ve had conversations since that have challenged my way of thinking about it, and although I haven’t entirely changed my tune about some of the points I made, I realise that there are two sides to everything, and it’s not only my opinion that matters.
I wrote that post when I wasn’t in the best of moods, and as much as it was a release, I’ll never do it again. This blog isn’t about me sounding off and trying to make myself out to be a victim, it’s about how I am getting to the place I am supposed to be, and my journey along the way. So, although it would be unrealistic to ALWAYS post positive shit, I know I can use my words more wisely. I never want anyone to read this and be hurt or offended by it. You don’t have to agree with me, but spitefulness is not what I’m about.
I made a decision after said conversations to stop, take stock and take the blinkers off. Different people have different ways of behaving and being. That doesn’t make them bad people, it just makes them different, and differences are what keep things interesting. I can only take responsibility for my own thoughts and actions, and as they are vastly important attributes to the way I conduct myself, I figure I better get them right.
Mindset = Back on Track.
In the past two weeks since I’ve been back at work, it’s like I found my mojo again. I’ve been getting stuff ticked off, I’ve managed to get a website from concept to launch in just over 3 months (alongside a team of brilliant, like-minded people) and I’ve fallen more in love with my job and career than ever before. I can see a great future where I am, and it’s up to me to carve it out.
Career Focus & Hustle = Back on Track.
I’ve also come to terms (somewhat begrudgingly) with the fact that I’m not allowed to exercise for the rest of the month (I’m counting down the days believe me), which has also had a knock-on effect. You don’t realise how much you miss something until you’re not allowed to do it! Alas, I know it’s for the best and I have to do as I’m told, so I’m looking at it as giving my body the break it needs in order to get back to its best. I also know that I can’t go in all guns blazing upon my return, and that I have to ease back in gently. That’s OK, if there is one thing I’ve learned throughout all this, is that I have a never-ending pot of patience. I will get to where I want to be, a: because I’ve done it before and b: because anything worth having is worth both waiting and working for. It will come, because I have no doubt that it will.
Health & Body Image = Back on Track
Now this last area of my life is a little trickier, and it ties in perfectly with my last blog about guys and making effort. I had a short, sharp shock from a number of people after I wrote that, and it’s because everything that people said to me in regards to it was absolutely right.
One conversation was an expression of hurt, one conversation made me re-think my judgement and attitude towards guys (they’re not all complete write-offs FYI), one conversation reminded me to be honest with myself, and one of those conversations happened today – with one of my best friends. It was a conversation that reduced me to tears, because she knows me SO bloody well it’s like she’s climbed inside my mind, scooped out the thoughts I was trying to deny and spoon-fed them back to me in order for me to swallow them whole.
My last blog, although it was written whilst in a bad mood, was also written from a heart that was hurting, so let me try it again here with a fresh outlook.
I know what I want in life. In every single aspect of it. I know what I want because a: I’m a dreamer and b: because I’ve thought long and hard about the direction I take for everything. I know where I want my career to go, I know what I want to look like, I know where I want to live and you know what – I’ll get it all, because the outcome is solely dependent on me. If I want it, I make it happen. I don’t know how, where or when, but I know that I will because the ball is in my court.
How the fuck do you do that when it comes to a relationship? That’s where my hurt came from in my last post – the fact that I would have to DEPEND ON SOMEONE ELSE to match my effort. Now don’t get me wrong, I am not depending on someone else to make me happy – I’ve got that nailed all by myself thank you very much. I just mean that it’s the one thing in my life I don’t have any control over, and as much as that excites me, it also drives me mad. I don’t do limbo, and normally when I find myself floating around in there I bail. Fast.
It’s not that simple though is it? That aspect of your life is not supposed to be controlled or planned out. In the past, I’ve made a habit of over-analysing and over-thinking every little thing, and it’s exhausting! I had dinner with a friend last week who told me that when she met her husband, he told her one thing that has stuck with her for almost 25 years of marriage:
“You don’t have to have all the answers”
Isn’t that one of the most beautiful things about relationships? Meeting someone with the same end goal and just figuring it out together as you go along? I’ve come to realise that things are only difficult, confusing or hurtful when the end goals of those involved don’t match up – and they are not honest about it from the jump. As much as the journey along the road with these people can be fun and exciting, eventually you’ll come to an inevitable crossroads.
But what about if you KNOW that you’re heading in different directions?
Does that mean you shouldn’t get in the car in the first place? Does it mean that you follow the road with your eyes open but your heart closed, wondering if every next junction is where you get off? Or do you throw yourself all in, knowing that the journey will be an adventure, enjoy every second of it for what it is and know that when you do come to that crossroads, whether it be a re-route or a stop sign – you’ll be ok no matter what?
I prefer the latter.
HOWEVER, this contradicts everything that I think and believe in – and so you see my dilemma? Do I trust that The Universe will deliver me what I want, like it’s doing with everything else – regardless of the actions I’m taking along the way? Or do I focus only on that end goal and not get in that car with anyone that throws a spanner in the works?
Here’s the thing about planning and being focused on outcomes – you forget to live your life while you’re on your way to achieving them! With everything I have read, I know that you have to strongly put what you want in life ‘out there’ with no confusion, but it also says that in order to achieve anything, you have to be happy NOW.
What if your end goal is SO focused, that you dismiss people along the way who could fit the bill perfectly, because something about the situation doesn’t fit in with the plan? I’ve done that all my life and it’s gotten me precisely nowhere, so I’m going to try a new tactic: ‘going with the flow’. If someone comes along that ‘doesn’t fit the bill’ – perhaps I’ve gotten some of the bill wrong. I will say this until I’m blue in the face, but there are no coincidences. I truly believe that anyone that steps onto my path now is supposed to, and I don’t need to know the reason why straight away.
So how do I re-align myself? As you’ve probably gathered, I haven’t got a fucking clue! But it’s not by bitching and blaming that’s for damn sure! I know what I want, and I know that one day I’ll get it. I also know that what I’ve been doing so far hasn’t worked, and so perhaps the only solution I can put forward today is to do what I do with every other aspect of my life, and what I’ve failed to do with relationships – trust that it will come to me, and just be happy now. Positivity and patience have brought me a long way, and if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.