This is actually a re-write of a post I drafted the other day. I wrote it, posted it, shut my laptop and went and got in the bath, but there was a niggling feeling that I couldn’t put my finger on, and then suddenly it hit me. I had sat and written about something, and in the words I had put down, I had completely contradicted everything that I stand for and believe to be true.
I immediately got out of the bath and deleted it, giving me some time to think about what I actually want to say. Thoughts are powerful, and when put down in black and white they became even more so. It didn’t sit right with me that I had put something out there that didn’t reflect me properly, maybe I was having a bad day?!
I had seen a quote, and it had struck a nerve within me.
“We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us.”
~ Joseph Campbell
I based my entire post around this one quote, wittering on about how some things just aren’t meant to be, and you need to rewrite your story if the things you want don’t appear.
I can’t believe that I actually did that. The whole time I was writing I was thinking “this blog is shit”, but it wasn’t until afterwards that I realised why – it was because I wasn’t writing the truth. I wasn’t writing MY truth.
And so I shall try again, from the heart this time…
I am 33 this year, and for as long as I can remember, I’ve wanted a traditional life – to get married, start a family and live happily ever after. I think a part of me thought that this is what I was born for – the only thing that I could mark down as a true achievement in my life, but over the past few months, I’ve had such a life overhaul that I’m now re-evaluating this in a major way. Not the fairy-tale, I still want that, but I’m finally realising exactly what I am capable of achieving when I put my mind to it, and it’s blown me away.
For the past few years I have struggled with the fact that I don’t have this yet. There have even been times when it’s come close to breaking my heart. The reason why I was struggling, was because in every other aspect of my life, I MAKE SHIT HAPPEN. How was I supposed to apply this in this instance? A single resounding and devastating thought has been lurking in the back of my mind for years, pushing me to rush into relationships and give chances where I shouldn’t have done.
I thought I didn’t have time.
Let that sink in, and resonate, because I’m sure a LOT of you reading this will be nodding your heads in agreement, knowing exactly where I am coming from with this. Society has embedded this notion so deeply in my psyche that I have simply always taken it as fact without pausing for a second to question it. You hit 30 and your window of fertility flies out the window faster than a middle-aged woman’s knickers at a Barry Manilow concert. With every year that has passed it’s like I’ve been expecting a big slab of concrete to come crashing down in front of me, and a little man with a pocket watch to come scurrying round the corner going “sorry you’re too late, you had your chance when you were young,” before whipping a MIB-esque laser gun out of his back pocket and blasting away my chances of motherhood.
I’ve had this conversation more times than I can count, and I’ve always reeled out my well-rehearsed response of “maybe it isn’t my story”, and it choked me to say it every time. Now I know why – because it IS my story, it’s just that that part hasn’t been written yet. It’s my story because I believe with everything that I am that we create our own lives. There is no ‘luck’, no ‘fate’ and no ‘destiny’ – why should I just let the cards lie where they fall when I have the chance to pick them up, reshuffle them and get a better hand?
So what now? Patience, that’s what. Patience and the unwavering knowledge that it is coming my way. It has to – I’m far too fucking awesome to be a barren spinster, so there’s no way I’ll be one.
If there is one thing that I have learned in the past couple of years (and without sounding like a Hippie), it is that The Universe gives you the things that are supposed to be in your life, and you have to put your dreams in its hands and trust that it will bring them to you when the time is right.
It has brought my first home to me, my beautiful kittens, and a job that I love at a time when I was in danger of spiralling back into the abyss. It has brought the most wonderful people to me – most of them back into my lives after I had left them behind on my journey to a darker place. It brings me things every single day, and the more it does, the more I know is coming to me, because I am finally in alignment. I am finally completely happy, and only by being truly happy in the here and now, can you open the doors to more joy and great things to come.
In the blog, I talk a lot about taking chances, acting on opportunities and going after what you want in life. However, there are a lot of things that I have been ‘putting off’. Waiting for Pay Day, for the weekend, for the summer. Waiting until I have a family, waiting until I have done this or that.
By waiting and putting things off all I am doing is affirming that I don’t believe they can happen. Why not now? What the fuck is stopping me? I MAKE SHIT HAPPEN. Every day. I work hard, I exercise like a bitch, I save and budget… what am I doing all of this for? For ‘one day’ to suddenly come strolling round the corner? ‘One Day’ will never come if I don’t live life to the fullest right now. How can it?
Patience is not my strong point, never has been, but I’ve honed it into one of my most important life skills because I understand how vital it is. Things have not happened in my life yet because they are not supposed to have happened yet. They will come when I am ready, open to it and loving everything in my life just the way it is. I know, I know – this sounds like superficial bullshit, and I’m guilty myself of not believing those who say they are happy as they are (aka 30+, single and ‘plodding through life’), but that’s because I wasn’t happy doing that. So I changed my attitude and started living for today.
Now I get it. I get that you can ‘be without’ the things that you are ‘supposed to have’, but live a life that makes you bounce out of bed in the morning excited for the day ahead. I get that you can be perfectly content as you are and with how your life is playing out. This doesn’t mean I don’t want to find love and start a family – it just means it’s not the single-most definition of my future anymore, as I am so much more than someone’s prospective wifey and baby momma, and I’m proving it to myself every day.
That being said, I have recently made a HUGE life decision, and put the plans into motion for something I have wanted to do for the past 6 or 7 years. I won’t divulge it now, as there are some things I need to keep to myself. I have been making excuses and saying “I’ll do it when…” since 2011.
Why? Yet again I have been putting out the wrong message. By ‘waiting until’ I have powerfully been putting out the notion that I don’t believe it can happen. Well guess what? That’s right – I MAKE SHIT HAPPEN! Phone calls have been made, meetings set up, time set aside in my diary for it to take place… everything I need to do to bring it into my life.
I am living for now. I am living the life I am supposed to be living RIGHT NOW, and why? Because it is the life I have made for myself. It is the life I have built. It is the life I have fought for. I’m a woman that loves a plan and a to-do list, and there is no greater feeling for me than ticking things off that I have achieved, created and earned all because I made them happen.
THIS is my story, right here, right now. I know what I want in life, I believe with all of my heart that it will all happen and so for now, I am happy to sit back, full of gratitude for all I am and all I have, and let the pages of my story write themselves the way they should be.
I’ll end it on a quote that is much more in-keeping with who I am, and one I’ll be happy to leave behind on here:
“The only person you are destined to become is the person you decide to be.”
~ Ralph Waldo Emerson